originally posted Sept. 6, 2015
The festivities ended slowly but, by the next day, there were just a few stragglers still following the Coolstein entourage. And, as expected, Mothership and Daddyetc needed to return to their patrol of the universe. It was fun, said Mother, and I mean that in the most cosmic sense. You’re okay, my cool offspring, you know how to throw a helluva party, said Daddyetc.
Brownstein and Mickey watched with their friend as his two real parents achieved some kind of weird lift off (it was just for show) and did a little crowd pleasing zoom zoom before popping out of this plane of existence like a couple of soap bubbles.
And now, for something completely different…
Feeling a little guilty about ignoring Sylvie and Morris, Coolie made the always un-fun decision to pay a visit. And who do you think they saw walking into The Building? No. You actually have to guess….
It’s a lot less fun for me if you don’t play along. Alright, point well taken. How the hell should you know? Yeah, I guess that’s true.
Anyway, it was Koolya Coolstein, Coolie’s cousin from Eastern Europe. That’s quite nonspecific, I realize, but Koolya was a bit paranoid and only reported general information. As a matter of fact, no one (except maybe Morris, and his ability to hold facts in his mind was challenged – to say the least) knew how old Koolya was. Somewhere between 20 and 40, was all he would say for public consumption. He sported the darkest pair of sunglasses anyone had ever seen, a slouchy Indiana Jones-ish hat, and clothing so loose it was impossible to guess at his actual physique.
No matter, Coolie was delighted.
The last time Koolya had been in town, they had done a coffee-bar crawl that left our hero in a caffeine daze for months. It’s surprising, but if you drink enough coffee, you will see dead people.
That’s the kind of fun guy Koolya was, so Brownstein offered a preemptive suggestion. “Let’s throw the fake parental units a bone and have a family meal. And yes, that does mean eating Sylvie’s concoctions; but let’s drop a little time warp tea in the soup and hopefully, it will bump the whole experience up a notch or three.
“As usual, you have the best ideas,” said Coolie. “Da!
Morris greeted the quartet at the door. It was immediately apparent that he was only slightly hinged. “WELCOME to the Jungle,” he bellowed, and immediately began to play air guitar, prancing around like Axl Rose (if he were completely without any pharmaceutical support).
Koolya gave the profusely sweating Morris a hearty clap on the back which set his eyes to spinning in their sockets. Sylvie, hearing the commotion, took one look at her husband and made that face. You know, pursed lips, a deep blink, flared nostrils. She was on her last nerve – which is a place she occupied so often, there was actually a Sylvie shaped-depression that was ready to receive her.
“Dinner will be ready in a couple minutes. Brownie, do you want a bone? Mickey, are you still only eating white things.” She liked to skutch Coolie’s friends; she was, indeed, a little bit of a sadist.
Brownstein was polite and assured her he would eat whatever she had prepared. Mickey, not so much the diplomat, said, “What the hey, don’t you remember – that was three years ago. I’ve evolved since then. You don’t happen to have any jellyfish, do you? Any color.”
Sylvie literally gagged at that and just scurried off to do what passed for cooking in the Stein home. Coolie walked into the kitchen with her and, when she turned her head, dropped a double batch of time warp tea into the big pot on the stove.
Dinner would be, shall we say, different…
ONCE AROUND THE BLOCK IN COOLTOWN
originally posted Sept. 3, 2015
Now that our cool best friend has located his real interstellar parents, it’s only fair that they visit his earthbound reality. Turnabout and all that. But how exactly do you get Mothership and that humungous entity that is his father, to take a stroll in the East Village?
Oh, ye, of little faith. Know that I can make it up any way I want to. The parents were able to assume various shapes. No surprise there, right? So, in order to visit Coolie, then donned the appearance of an extremely large hamster (that would be Mom) and a Bugs Bunny-ish cartoon-like rabbit. Crazy, you say? Are you not yet expecting crazy?
They each wore shorts and a tee shirt; after all, nudity might have been just a little too much for the mostly stoned denizens, who were Coolie’s neighbors, to assimilate. Oh, did I mention they (the parents not the neighbors) were, respectively, bright orange and pale lavender. Nice.
We catch up with them as they are walking along St. Marks Place on either side of their still somewhat cool son. Jonesy stepped out of his store and yipped. No words, just a really spontaneous vocalization. And, in truth, what can one say?
Shazamia wept with joy. He/she – oh, what the hell – it, was no longer the strangest entity in the neighborhood. Rantie and Rolfie actually went silent – for the first time in anyone’s memory. The sight of Coolie and the parents was one that would be seared into many a retina.
Being fully conscious of how fascinating a sight they were, the trio decided to incorporate an unrehearsed but perfectly coordinated hip thrusting strut. People, hearing the commotion in the street, came out of their apartments (some for the first time in fifteen years). Slowly, but with ever-increasing velocity, a procession began to attach itself to the rear guard of the Coolstein marching band. And, as they all moseyed, things began to transition: would you expect anything less?
Now Mothership sported a more appropriately nautical look; she appeared as a dolphin with tiny feet and pointy shoes, and a matador’s cape. Father, that showboating entity, would not be outdone. He reconfigured as the USS Constellation (a bit of a play on his heavenly home).
Sailing and swinging, within a remarkably short amount of time, the entire population of Manhattan had come out of their homes and offices, and were celebrating in the street. The day would be forever known as the Day the City Cooled Down. Don’t you wish you were there?